by William Frankenstein, Ph.D.
Of the complex, competing emotions divorce produces, the sense of loss and grief that descends on parents when they confront the reality that they will not see or speak with their children daily or may be less woven into the fabric of their children’s lives is amongst the most profound. In adversarial divorce perhaps the primary source of conflict is the “parenting plan”, which sets forth the calendar for day-to-day, holiday and vacation, school year and summertime parenting opportunities. When people approach parenting plans in an adversarial manner, they usually find themselves most attuned to their own sense of loss, which they compensate for by trying to accrue the most time they can get, often citing and co-opting “best interests” reasons as justification, and finding themselves then in conflict as a result. Collaborative models of divorce are structured to bypass or avoid this eventuality through the use of neutral mental health child specialists or divorce coaches, and through the mindset of “children first” instilled by collaborative attorneys.
A reasonable first collaborative question a parent should ask of themselves and each other is, “How would we be covering the bases if we were happily married and together?” Once asked this question, parents should collaborate on mapping it out as if this was the case, and use that as the starting point for figuring out the rest of the calendar. This also underscores a basic and important premise for parenting plans: if the parents are happily in agreement about or at least realistically accepting of the plan, and support the children’s relationship with each other, the children will be fine, and if for some reason they are not, then collaborative parents will take an open, honest look at why it is not working for the children, and will make adjustments.
While on the surface this seems simple and straightforward, the advice to be practical and rational is not always easily done. Reliance on rigid parenting plan guidelines and rules, or taking absolute positions gets in the way of the ability to form a collaboratively based calendar, and can extend feelings of bad faith into a divorce. There are many non-traditional parenting arrangements that work well for children, and do so because they also work well for parents.
What the research shows increasingly is that a most detrimental factor for children’s adjustment to divorce is exposure to ongoing parental conflict, which is more likely when the parenting plan is imposed rather than collaboratively arrived at. In collaborative divorce, the parenting partnership so essential to children’s well-being is fostered by focusing on parent’s desires to share the children fairly while never losing sight of what the children need. Forming a parenting plan based on a template of practical and logistical realities, an honest sense of their child or children’s needs and temperaments, and by taking guidance from but not being guided by rigid “theory” (e.g. toddlers cannot handle overnights; elementary school age children cannot tolerate lengthy separations) puts parents in good stead to preserve good faith co-parenting in their children’s interests.
This is important. Parenting plans need to evolve as children grow and mature and parent circumstances change. Also, if the child or children seem to struggle with the plan, like-minded, collaborative co-parents find it easier to recognize, communicate about and change the calendar if the calendar needs changing. By working collaboratively on a parenting plan and achieving one that is agreeable now, divorcing parents make a very important commitment to collaborate when called for in the future.
For more information or to learn more about parenting time in Collaborative Divorce, please contact William Frankenstein, Ph.D. at WFrankensteinPhD@AOL.com or (732) 530-9330.
Frankenstein & Steen, L.L.C.
William Frankenstein, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist N.J. SI00243900
41 Reckless Place – Second Floor
Red Bank, New Jersey 07701
(732) 530-9330 (Office)
(732) 530-4145 (Fax)
WFrankensteinPhD@AOL.com (E Mail)
